5 things that you want and it is not pornography

This post marks the beginning of my “Struggles with Impurity” series. One of the gravest plagues afflicting our society is pornography and masturbation; especially among men. John Paul ii defined freedom as, “being able to do what you OUGHT to do.” Pornography and masturbation enslaves people to their natural hormones and endorphins which weakens our discipline towards virtue. The average Catholic must deny earthly treasure for heavenly treasure. (Matthew 6:19-21) We may feel good in the moments of impurity, but we jeopardize long term joy that is healthy.

My favorite way to tackle this issue is the Augustinian notion of Greater and Lesser goods. Augustine believed, as does the Catholic Church, that all people are intrinsically good and made good by God. Therefore, people can only choose the good or they can only act for good. Saint Augustin brought this notion up to help explain why people commit sin. If everyone always chooses good, then how can people sin? Augustin’s solution is that sin is simply when people choose lesser goods over greater goods. People do not sin for sin sake. They sin in order to achieve an inferior good.

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

Genesis 1:26-27, 31

All sin by mankind is derived by either weakness, ignorance, or malice. Pornography and masturbation is no different. If you want to be freed from a life of lust and vice, then you must be clear about what good you are truly seeking. If you want true freedom, then seek what you OUGHT to seek and not what is convenient to seek. Here are five greater goods that you are probably seeking. Pornography and masturbation can only offer false promises and shadows. True freedom begins when you only desire the true and the good and the beautiful.

INTIMACY: You know the feeling, after the deed of impurity is done, that sort of guilt and ashamed feeling. That feeling comes from desiring a connection and reciprocation of feelings of love and affection. If you are alone, staring at a computer, laying in the darkness, then there is nothing loving you. Not even a faint echo. The affection spent on masturbating or pornography was wasted and thrown to an abyss. What you truly desire is an intimate encounter with another person. A desire that your love is returned. That someone wants to be with you in a close and intimate way. Why settle for a computer screen?

VALIDATION: You feel lost? misunderstood? like a failure? That sensation that you put in hours of work and got nothing in return? That you can go to the gym, study, and become a better person, but it ultimately doesn’t matter because you will be alone at the end of the day? That weight of pressure never goes away. Pornography and masturbation tricks us into thinking that weight is off. It is an escapism at best, but a source of validation at worse. If you want someone to say, “Good Job” or “I’m glad you’re in my life,” then you will need to have actual real relationships. Masturbation and pornography can only offer you lies.

HAPPINESS: How else could I feel good? Doesn’t that question reek of despair and defeatism? How else can you feel happy? The only reason way masturbation and pornography makes you “happy” is because of the huge doses of oxytocin and dopamine. Healthy happiness comes from virtue and growing in excellence. It’s when you look in the mirror and can say, “that’s the man I want to be.” Being able to say that declaration is what you want. You will have a solid happiness when life is going the way that you want it to go. Do you really want to masturbate and look at pornography? Or do you want to get up and change the person in the mirror?

CONTROL: Can’t change your job. Can’t change your boss. Can’t change your friends or lack of friends. Can’t change who likes you back. So many things are out of our control. What is in our control? Masturbation and pornography. Masturbation is self-explanatory; it is your own body. Pornography is becoming worse and worse, because there are so many options and social media to talk with people selling their bodies and moments of intimacy. The best part? It’s all a matter of quid pro quo. You give up time and money and get all of the good feelings of a companion or whatever you desire. The truth is you further confirm your own insecurities and inadequacies, because this “guarantee” of affection is bought and not earned. Wouldn’t you rather be a person where people choose to love you instead having to be bribed?

ACCEPTANCE: What we all want is to be loved. Unrequited love is a pain. Jesus felt it when He wept over Jerusalem. (Matthew 23:37-39) As a man, you should be furious in accepting anything less than acceptance. Masturbation and Pornography is not how you get it. If you don’t feel accepted with your family, co-workers, friends, spouse, significant other, or anyone else, then work it out with them! Masturbating and watching pornography will not change your relationships for the better. They will only make it more difficult. Why look at a screen when you truly want to get acceptance from those close to you? Either talk with the people that you care about or stop seeking their acceptance. Regardless, your masturbating and pornography is not the solution.

If you want to be freed from pornography and masturbating, then you must realize what you truly desire. If you want Intimacy, then cultivate relationships and skills needed for intimacy. If you want validation, then know when and how people validate you is outside of your control. If you want happiness, then find happiness that endures and doesn’t disappear along with the “high.” If you want control, then recognize that the thing you have the most control over is your own mind, body, and soul. If you want acceptance, then you must first accept yourself.

We have all struggled with impurity. Even Saints like Saint Dominic and Saint Benedict have tales of the struggle. We must not believe the devil’s lies that because we still have temptations that we are a lost cause. Breaking away from pornography and masturbation is critical to living a life that is healthy and virtuous. What does masturbation and pornography offer? Not much at all. Pornography and Masturbation are lesser goods. The greater goods is what we want: Intimacy, Validation, Happiness, Control, and Acceptance. By sacrificing pornography and masturbation, we are able to grow in freedom to choose these greater goods.